Words on the Wind


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Something to Remember

I am homeschooled, but run track for a local high school. One thing that has been a dream of mine, since my freshman year, was to be asked to prom. I don’t know why I wanted to go so badly, I just always have. I’m one of those shy girls who only has a little group of special friends, the ones who were nice enough to pull me in and break me out of my shell.

Every year, as prom came and went, I would log on to my Facebook account to see all of my public school friends posting their stunning prom photos. I would look through them all, admiring their attire and happy memories, thinking I would never be able to experience them myself.

Then my senior year came. I never thought of prom until track started. It was months away, yet people were already being asked and getting their dresses. A few of my wonderful friends decided that they were going to take me with them to prom, with or without a date. By then, I was willing to tag along with them just so I could see what prom would be like.

The school was down to the last two weeks before prom. Everyone had their dates and their dresses, everyone except for me which was usual and expected. I was completely sure no one was asking me to prom this year and decided that I would feel too awkward attending a high school prom alone as a shy, little, homeschooled girl. So there went another year – my last year – of getting a chance to be asked to prom. I accepted it and tried not to think about it too much.

Monday started like any other day. A morning full of school, an evening full of running, and two jars empty of honey.  When practice ended for the day, I was going to give my honey jars to my sprinter coach whose family had a honey business. When she found me, she told me to give them to Will. I thought absolutely nothing of it. Will lived right next to his cousins who did the honey. I just thought she said that so he could give it right to them.

Now let me pause for a second to explain something. This Will guy is one of those guys who everyone in the school loves. He is super athletic and good, excuse me, amazing at everything he does. Not to mention super smart.

So anyway, I grabbed my jars and went into the school to find him. As I’m standing in the commons, he walks out from one of the halls. I shyly walk up to him and hand him the jars. I’m nervously asking him if my check is made out for the right amount, then I plan on bolting to the door. As he is explaining the amount should be correct, I start to inch away, but he follows. After he answers my question about the check he calmly and simply adds, “and I was wondering if you’d like to come to prom with me.”

I finally stopped trying to escape. I was speechless. All I could think to say was “for real?!” He assured me he wasn’t kidding and, of course, I said yes! Then I sped home, texted my friends, and panicked. Only a week to prepare! Even though I was offered to borrow some gorgeous dresses, my mom felt that she needed to buy me my very first prom dress.

On Friday, the only day my mom had free, we went on our search at 6:00 p.m. after I had been running at a track meet all day. We grabbed a pizza and headed for the nearest mall which was only a little over 100 miles away.

As we rushed from shop to shop, nothing caught either of our eyes, other than the dresses that only had sizes 10 times too big for me. We were headed to a store we weren’t really sure even sold dresses when I confessed to my mom that I was starting to get scared. After asking a clerk if the store had any dresses, we headed for the small juniors section way at the back. The two racks of leftover dresses did not look promising. As I moved one of the dresses, something caught my eye. A beautiful white, black, and silver dress that would match my date’s already-purchased grey tux, and it was my size! We snatched it up and grabbed some accessories with 30 minutes to spare before the mall closed.

That following Saturday was prom, and it was amazing! Whatever I thought it would be like was shattered and replaced by the reality of an unbelievably wonderful day! My date was the biggest gentleman I have ever met and even let me hang off his arm anytime I tried to stumble anywhere in my heels. And then there was my first slow dance.

I realized that night that I have an incredibly amazing and caring group of friends, even if it is small.

Track and Prom 320


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Spring’s Slow Arrival

The world is coming to life; can you feel it? With every passing hour, she wakens more and more from the deepest of deep sleeps that Winter has put her in. The duvet of snow that was cast upon her has vanished. The sun is finally able to break apart the grey blanket of clouds and settle on the Earth’s cold skin.

With the warming of the soil, the creatures who lay dormant in the ground beneath begin to stir as well. Little by little the world turns green, and little by little, life begins to push away the sleepy cold who has held his grip on the Earth for far too long.

With the first tulip bud that rises from the soil, another will surly follow. One after another, the flowers begin to appear. The bees and the birds welcome their arrival with open arms. Happy is the sound of the feasting insects and birds upon the sweet nectar of the new blooms.

Spring has come and with her the boon of sunshine, warmth, and the promise of a summer-y  future.

Fall 016

© Lindsay Amber


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Dark in Her Days {Part 2}

d30I want to hide the truth; I want to shelter you, but with the beast inside…there’s nowhere we can hide.”  – Imagine Dragons


“Inside of what…Inside of me?” Rayna breathed, exasperated by this guys strangeness, and with a fear that he was telling the truth and really did know something about her that even she didn’t know about herself. “You don’t even know my name! You can’t claim to know anything about me at all!”

“Your name is Rayna. You have a blackness inside you. Humans call it depression. But, it is not humans who get this type of ‘depression’…No…Only greenhorns experience this darkness, and it is not what some humans think it is.” Ronan told her, becoming very serious as he spoke.

He finally let his hand slip from Rayna’s arm, leaving a burning mark only she could feel.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you’re playing some weird joke on me…it’s totally not funny. There are much easier and more normal ways to meet girls at a new school.”

With that, Rayna began walking hesitantly towards her English class, but stopped short when Ronan whispered, “You’re not one of them, Rayna. You’re different. The dark inside of you isn’t something a doctor can fix, nor does it need fixin’.”

Rayna slowly turned around and met his fierce green eyes. “What are you talking about? I’m already way late for my class, so you’d better spill it.”

“Like I was sayin’ before. You’re what we call a greenhorn. You’re not human, but you’re not completely like me. This darkness inside you isn’t human either.” Ronan never let his eyes shift from hers.

“You’re still not making any sense. Greenhorn? What the heck is that? And you’re acting all weird. So what you’re telling me is that you’re not human…but how can that even be possible? What would that make you? What would that make me?” Rayna’s voice began to tremble. Whatever Ronan was getting at, she was ready for him to stop. This was too much. He was crazy…right?

“No. I’m not human…and neither are you. Well not completely anyway.” A strange smile began to play on Ronan’s face now. “I am fey. You are a greenhorn – a young half-bred who hasn’t learned to master her darkness yet.”

“Ya, okay. You are a fairy and I am a half-fairy. Very funny. I’m leaving.” Rayna tries again to leave but Ronan keeps talking and what he’s saying makes it hard for her to keep moving.

“Never say that! I am not a fairy! I hate that word! I am fey; part of the Aphotic race of faeries. A fairy is a fair a happy little creature – that is nowhere near who I am! Anyway, this darkness inside of you is your Aphotic inheritance. You see, the Aphotics are a dark race of fey. No particularly evil, just sentenced to do the dark biddin’s of the earth, like putting the forests and creatures to sleep before the winter, coverin’ the earth in the shadows of night, and carryin’ the messages that summon Death to the mortal world.”

Ronan stopped here to see how Rayna was taking it. Her mouth was slightly open and she had a look of shock and understanding mixed into her expression. Seeing as how she was at a loss for words, and didn’t seem like she was going to try to walk away on him again, Ronan continued.

“Mortals call your darkness depression, not knowin’ or understandin’ what it really is. You were born with it inside of you, therefore it cannot be depression, somethin’ that comes on later in a mortal life. Now that you are of age, your darkness is tryin’ to come out so you can take your place in the other half of your life, the half you will stay in for as long as you continue to exist.

“Many greenhorns will die by their own doin’ if they are not reached in time. The dark inside of them – that which is inside of you – must be brought out and conquered before it consumes the weak part of your mortal mind, ultimately leadin’ you into destroyin’ yourself.”

Rayna stood staring at him for a while, and Ronan let her, waiting for the hysteric laughter, tear, or arguing that accompany this conversation with all the other greenhorns he’s had to find. He waits longer, but Rayna’s response is slow to come and when it does, it’s not what he’s expecting at all. Quietly, Rayna places the books she’s been grasping in her arms gently on the ground beside her feet. She stands up tall and walks towards him. She stops in front of him a little ways and holds out her arm to him. He looks at the tips of her fingers, ready to grasp his, and then looks back into her pale blue eyes, searching for an explanation and a clue on how to react. She stares back. Her voice is soft and quiet, on the verge of tears, when she answers his unspoken question.

“Then I’ll do what I must to bring it out. Everything you say…it’s everything I feel. My ‘dark days’ are what I call them, and they are visiting me more often than ever. I can’t hold on much longer and I am willing to trust you if it means getting rid of this dark rotting me from the inside.”

Ronan gently reaches for her hand still outstretched towards him. He takes it in his, intertwining his strong fingers into her delicate ones, and catches a glimpse of a small tear falling from her eye lash right before she reaches up and quickly brushes it away.

©Lindsay Amber


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Dark in Her Days {Part 1}

d29“When you feel my heat, look into my eyes – it’s where my demons hide, it’s where my demons hide. Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside – it’s where my demons hide, it’ where my demons hide.”  – Imagine Dragons

There are the good days, full of happiness and content, and then there are the “dark days,” as Rayna calls them. Days where nothing is right on the inside. She can pull herself together for her friends, laugh at there not-so-funny jokes, and give them all her smiles. She can come home to her family, love them and enjoy their company. But it is all a mask; a clever trick of the light that she has been able to pull off since she was a little child.

Rayna has walked the earth for eighteen years with that same happy glow on the outside, but with a blackness on the inside. No one sees it, no one knows. Her dark days come when she’s least expecting them, making her mask ever stronger for the coming attacks. She wants help; she wants someone to see through her shell and into her being, but no one can and she’s afraid to look for the help she so desperately needs. She doesn’t want to be “that girl” who needs medication to be happy, or be shamed for her harmful thoughts of prematurely calling on death.

It’s Monday, and another dark day for her. They seem to be coming more often as of late. She gets up, pulls on the mask, and prepares for another long day of school and struggles no one will ever see. She walks down the crowded halls, smiling at every passer-by until she reaches her locker. That’s when she sees him, a boy with pale skin and knowing eyes. She’s sure she has never seen him around before. Suddenly she hears her best friend Chelsea’s harsh voice in her ear,

“Freaky, right?”

“What do you mean?” she answers, a little startled at Chelsea’s silent approach.

“The new kid you were just staring at. I’ve heard his name is Ronan. Just moved here from Ireland – I think. I thought he would be cool, but I’ve talked to him and he’s a total jerk! Totally a waste of breath! Oh well, what can you do? Anyway, better get to class. See you at lunch!” and with that, Chelsea makes her way into the science lab.

Chelsea was always bursting with energy and told it how she saw it. She could be a bit overpowering at times, but that’s just what Rayna needed. She felt like she could hide behind Chelsea’s huge presence if her mask was ever to waver.

Rayna realized the bell was about to ring and the only way to get to her English class was to pass by the new kid who was still staring. She collected her books from her locker, and clutching them tightly to her, made her way to class, trying desperately not to make eye contact with the new guy – Ronan. There was something about his eyes that she didn’t quite like…a knowing gaze she had never had to face before.

She was almost to him. She could make it, no big deal. That’s when his arm reached out and caught hers. The books in her grasp went tumbling to the floor after her hold was loosened in her shock. The bell had rung and the halls were clear; there was no one to save her if she should need them. She searched herself and found the courage to look into his face. Once her pale blue eyes meet his fierce green ones, he started speaking to her. Rayna had expected his voice to be as fierce and demanding as his eyes. Instead she was surprised to find it calm and controlled, laden with that becoming Irish accent.

Then she realized what he was saying.

“I see what it is like on the inside. You don’t need to hide it from me. I’m Ronan. Sorry for freaking you out with my staring…that’s one of my habits I can’t seem to break because I can’t seem to realize when it’s happnin’. I can help you. I know what’s really going on inside.”

©Lindsay Amber


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The Kiss Of Winter

As the night creeps in, the day creatures seek shelter and the air becomes still. All around there is a stillness that never occurs in the sunlight. But that will change shortly. For a new life is about to bloom; the life of the night.

The air stirs ever so slightly, there is movement in the skies. Clouds heavy with a cold burden cover the rays of the silver moon. A breeze gently whispers to the night creature, “The time is now. The night is here. Enjoy yourselves with quiet cheer.” A snowflake falls and a laugh rings clear through the blackness. The temperature drops and now the snow is falling in a flurry like madness.

Another laugh and a rush of air. Could there be someone there? The still of night, a silent pleasure; breath stealing cold, going on as if forever. The night is conquered by a cold new world – even colder than the night’s black cover.

Winter has arrived on those heavy clouds. Round he goes to spread his snow and his shiver. If you hear that laughter breaking through the quiet of the night, go back to the warm of your room. Leave a white candle on your window sill and close it behind the curtains, but pray, do not light it. Lay down you head in the warmth of your bed and pray Winter wont find his way in.

When you wake at the rays of daybreak, go gently to your window sill. If, when you pull back your curtains, you see the spikes of frost on the glass, you know Winter was at ease. He saw the sad, cold candle and left a kiss for you on your window to let you know he has seen your lonely white offering.

Now you may be calm, for the silent Winter has gone and left you with a unique little gift. Ice frozen sharp from the lips and cold heart of a well please Winter night.

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“He saw the sad, cold candle and left a kiss for you on your window…”

 

© Lindsay Amber


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The Ocean’s Lullaby

The air is cool tonight.   It feels so soothing as it embraces my burning skin; a burning only my nightmares can create.   I’m walking, slowly and in a daze.   All is quiet and calm.   The only sound in the stillness of the night is the tide, ebbing back and forth.   I often find myself drawn to that steady rhythm and hypnotizing melody.   It is always there, always present.   Any other body of water, even that in a small pool, lit only by the moon’s light at such an hour as this would surely cause my skin to tingle with an eerie fear.   However, the ocean lit by the moon never has, no matter how late the night may be.

My legs are weary, my eyes tired.   My heart is bleeding and my mind won’t cease its endless wondering.   The ocean sings a song so sweet.   A lullaby so simple and sweet.   The ocean makes me forget.

“I know you are tired, I know your tale,” the sea sings.   “Night after sleepless night you come to haunt my shores.   You bring your burdens, your worries, your cares you struggle to bear.   Come to me now, you’ve waited so long.   I will carry you on.   Shut your teary, woeful eyes while I wrap you in my soothing embrace.   Your heart may be whole again, when you soon forget your woes at hand.   Cool and fresh my watery arms you’ll find, let it surround you, you may be mine.   Yes, my sorrowing child, just a little deeper still.   Your mind will stop its wonders and be calm with a quiet somber.   Your legs will have no need for the strength you cannot find, for I will carry you all through the night.   Close your eyes, my little child, they need not be open for the while.   You may stay forever with me, wrapped up in my love.

Forever at sea…

Almost there my precious thing….

Jussttt llletttt gggoooo…….. “

 

© Lindsay Amber